Bazza's Adventure: Part Two

This is PART TWO of Bazza's Adventure. Make sure you've read the incredible Part 1!

Read the adventures and then watch the series! Coming late 2010! 

So there I was, stuck in the middle of nowhere with only my extraordinary survival skills and enough strength to do pushups with just my morning wood. I had just eaten that delicious but endangered animal and had left the bones for my handsome cameraman Benny to chew on. Now it was time to keep trekking to the coastline, the Great Australian Megabyte.

Bazza's Adventure: Part One

Alright legends, time to tell you about Sir Baz's last adventure. As you know, I was dropped from a rocket from the outer atmosphere with an unfinished parachute. Any other average bloke would've fallen to his death but I had my handy sewing kit with me and stitched up all the holes whilst in freefall. Landing on a huge pile of soft manure helped save me too. This also helped me hide the fact I had soiled myself a little bit.

Help Feed Starving Children

Hi everyone,

Nothing pisses me off more than starving, impoverished children. No, it's not the children themselves that annoy me, it's the fact that they're hungry, malnourished and starving. It's the fact that I (and I'm sure most of you) sit here and feast away on delicious chunks of animal and plant flesh and meanwhile there are just over a billion starving people in the world (according to the WFP website). You've witnessed how angry I can get over not much at all, so just imagine what I'd be like after seeing something so terrible! Stand back is all I'll say...

Anyway, how great would it be if we could all help them for FREE?!

Guess, what? You can dudes and dudettes! Through SocialVibe it's so easy to help a wide range of charities by just giving up a little bit of your time online.

Bazza's "Beached As" Photos

WARNING: The following photos may cause immense excitement and frustration. Excitement because Bazza is the man and you get to see him in action, and Frustration because the producers of Bazza vs. Wild are teasing you with it but making you wait a little bit longer for the footage. Easy tiger, before you know it all your dreams will come true and Bazza will be on the big screen. ;)

Bazza contemplating life as a gypsy

Bazza Is Rescued!

Hi all,

Bazza here. I heard a rumour going around that I was lost... That's just crazy talk! Me, lost? I think my producers have lost their minds. Clearly I was enjoying nature so much I decided to spend an extra week out there. My cameraman didn't like it so much. He'll be okay once he's out of the intensive care unit. I guess he wasn't used to eating snail-trails and animal turds as much as I am. And he didn't really ration his own supply of beef jerky too well. But hey, I'm not a babysitter. I offered him some of my urine/sweat/blood/fecal mix but he refused, and look where it put him!

Please Find Bazza

Another important message from Bazza vs. Wild management.

Bazza is still lost guys. It's been a sad and stressful week for us all. We've searched night and day but he could be anywhere by now, and we're almost ready to give up. We're holding onto the fact that his millions of fans/foes would love to help find him, and seeing as you've all learnt tracking skills from Bazza himself it should be a breeze.

So get out there and find him please...


Oh, I suppose we better give you a bit of an idea where to find him. Basically, there are some photos of Bazza somewhere else on the web. Just locate them and email us with the setting Bazza is in. He could be on a mountain, in a desert, floating in the ocean, on a roller-coaster etc. Just the setting is all we'll need to narrow down the search.


Please hurry. Bazza vs. Wild is depending on you to find him.


Bazza vs. Wild Management

Bazza's Lost!

This is an announcement from the producers of Bazza vs. Wild.

Dear readers of Bazza's blog,

It is with deep regret and excitement that we must inform you of Bazza's disappearance. He was meant to meet us 48 hours ago at the pickup location but he hasn't showed.

There's no need to panic, because although Bazza is a much loved and stalked celebrity, he has immense skills and abilities in the art of surviving. Can't say the same for the camera crew but hopefully they manage to get some brilliant footage before they perish.

Now for the exciting part... We figure we may as well take this not uncommon situation and get you guys involved by helping us find him! Later this week we'll post up more details on possible locations and whoever locates the little six-foot four-inch tacker will be rewarded...

Meanwhile, our search goes on for Cheeky Bazza. We've managed to spot an arrow he made out of logs and rocks but the silly idiot had just made a big circle. We're not too concerned for his welfare though - he once survived off just the breath of a Rhinoceros for two weeks.

Stay tuned.

Bazza vs. Wild Management

BAZZA'S WORKOUT No. 1

Hi champs and champettes, Uncle Baz here. I've got some exciting news to tell you so hold onto your hats! I'm just about to jet off to a random remote location for the first Bazza vs. Wild episode!!!

YESSSSSSSSSSSS! WOOOHOOO!

Just had to let that out... I don't tend to keep things in as you may notice throughout the series. They say anger is the best medicine! My doc informs me that's why I'm so healthy. Of course I had to inform him that I'm not angry... The rest is a bit fuzzy. In the end, the court ordered me an extra six months anger management. I seriously don't understand why...

Anyway, I have no idea where they'll drop me but no doubt it'll be tough. They've checked my suit pockets and given me a cavity search to ensure I'm not sneaking anything in that I shouldn't. Everything I need is right here, in my mind.

So before I go I wanted to give you a few more pieces of advice. Pay attention. This is the stuff legends are made of.

Equipped To Survive!

Hi guys and gals, Bazza "Pansieboy" Buttercup here. Thanks for coming back. I'm currently sitting on the loo in my cave (it's just a tiny hole in the dirt - traditional bushman style). Lucky I can pick up the neighbour's WiFi to get this through!

Today I'll reveal to you the essential survival items that you need and that I always have with me no matter what. This is based on the "Rule of Four" - the four things humans NEED to survive:

1. Protection - this is two-pronged: Protection in the form of clothing to guard against the vile elements; and Protection in the form of improvised weaponry for those street battles against wild animals.
2. Liquid - yes, apparently without drinking water you'll turn to dust within 3-4 minutes. Or is it days?
3. Consumables - some call it food. But Emu faeces, although consumable and delectable, isn't actually classified as a food in modern society. Snobs. You'll find out about more tasty delights in my show, and I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
4. Entertainment - dying of boredom is no joke guys. It's worse than being mauled by a rabid kangaroo, and I should know.

So here's all the items that fit in with the "Rule of Four":

Bazza's First Blog Ever!

G'day everyone! I'm Bazza Buttercup and thanks for coming. This is my very first blog ever and I'm wetting myself with excitement!

You've probably all heard about me. I'm a pretty big deal around these parts. But just in case you've been living in a cave (we have that in common) I'll tell you a bit about myself.

I'm exclusively known as a Professional Survivalist Extraordinaire. For those of you poor fools who haven't heard of this profession it basically entails being thrust into situations that would kill the average feeble human. I learnt all my incredible survival skills from my many years training as a girl scout. Also, being this incredibly good looking I've had to spend a large chunk of my life running and hiding from the many women chasing me. It was out there, in the wild where I grew the ability to cheat death... Injury, not so much. So basically it's my action-packed life experiences that make me one of a kind.

I'm guessing none of you have heard about him, but Bear Grylls has a similar profession to mine. You may have even stumbled across his little docos but there's a few things you should know about this guy. First, he's a top bloke. But, he's an imposter. Yep, Bear and I were good mates back in the day. I taught him everything he knows. Unfortunately he's taken my pearls of wisdom and sold me out with his little TV show, I think it's called Man vs. Wild or something silly like that. He's doing quite well for himself little Grylly. But if it weren't for me he wouldn't even know that goat's testicles are delicious and nutritious.

SO, here's what I'm going to do. I've decided to drop myself into random feral locations and do what Bear's doing - film it all! Somebody suggested that would make it a Man vs. Wild spinoff. A comedy?! Are you crazy? Don't worry, I set them straight - Bazza IS real. I'm him! 

Everything you are going to see in each Bazza vs. Wild (Bear even stole my title idea the punk) episode is actually what Bear should be teaching you but isn't. Forget everything you've learnt from Sir Grylls and prepare your minds for some real life-saving tips and techniques from the one and only Bazza Buttercup.

I look forward to sharing my far more exciting adventures with you!

Stay safe out there kids.

Yours truly,

Bazza.


NEXT: Bazza reveals the essential items you need to survive in any deadly situation!