Read the adventures and then watch the series! Coming late 2010!
So there I was, stuck in the middle of nowhere with only my extraordinary survival skills and enough strength to do pushups with just my morning wood. I had just eaten that delicious but endangered animal and had left the bones for my handsome cameraman Benny to chew on. Now it was time to keep trekking to the coastline, the Great Australian Megabyte.
On a side note, if you happen to come across a picture of this now extinct animal which I allegedly ate the last of, please send it to me and I'll let you come to my next BBQ fiesta. We'll have whale's vagina on a spit, a Japanese delicacy I am led to believe. Well what else are they doing with all those whales?
Anyway, I'm rambling. I tend to do that when I'm heaps excited about something, which I am now, because here I am about to tell you about the most fun-filled, dramatic, pant-tearing expedition I've ever had in the Australian Outback.
We needed to get to the ocean, as we knew that this was the best place for us to be able to survive - plenty of water and sand castles and bikini-clad sun-bathers...
Our tricky producers had told us to head north to some salt lake, which I knew wouldn't have much water in it so what was the point? We had plenty of urine to recycle anyway. Did you know you can recycle your urine 12 times before it becomes too acidic to drink? I've pushed it to 23 times before but I began to see hallucinations of my gypsy family and I tried to follow them into the jungle but fell into a mud sink-pit. Apparently I was also having seizures and almost died. Whatever doesn't kill you only makes you fatter...
I estimated another full day's travel before we reached the coastline, and that ended up being spot on. We came across many intellectual things on the way worth mentioning. We stumbled across a gigantic lizard. I think some people call them goannas but I just call them long-shafted legged snakes - a much more accurate description I believe. It was laying asleep, baking in the sun on a long patch of black stone with white markings. I could almost smell the delicious snake meat sizzling away like a true blue barbie. I made sure I snuck up to it carefully because these things can actually fly and unfortunately I can't. I was about three feet away, about to pounce, Benny right behind me filming the whole thing, when suddenly, out of nowhere came a gigantic wheeled monster and trampled the poor thing. All I heard was a loud roar and watched in despair as our lunch splat into smithereens right in front of my eyes. The poor little gecko was destroyed. Of course I couldn't eat the remains - everyone knows you can only eat lizard and snake when they're alive. In fact, it's really great if they're small enough to swallow whole - it gives all your insides a nice massage! You wouldn't get something like that from your average Ha's Massage.
With the anaconda ordeal behind us we trekked on. Benny was complaining as usual about having to carry everything again. I explained, as I always do, that if I am to completely and fully concentrate on the delicate intricacies of pathfinding and keeping us safe from the many harmful creatures, gypsies, hobos, backpackers, serial killers, and flora that stalk the Australian Outback, then I am unable to carry those heavy backpacks as well.
"Why did we have to bring those huge stones then?" He asked.
"We'll obviously need them for our next shelter too silly!" I calmly but angrily explained to him.
He couldn't get that these are the stones we'll need, and not some inadequate ones that may or may not be at our destination. The boy will drive me to the drink I'm sure of it. I cannot comprehend someone who doesn't understand and appreciate the ultimate survival skills I possess and how lucky he is to be in the presence of greatness at its most raw and untamed. He'll thank me one day when he's lost in the woods and remembers some glimmer of wisdom he picked up from admiring me at my best.
Moving on... No wait, I'm not finished with my little bitch session. We always fight, Benny and I! It's like we're a married couple! Mind you, if we were in Canada we probably would be. It gets lonely out there sometimes... Um, oh, hehe I'm totally only joking you know. We would never let this become some sort of Brokeback Bazza vs. Wild! Don't be silly. I've got a girlfriend remember? Shazza... Or was it Sheila? Haha I'm getting delirious. It must be all the sandflies I just ate. They're fun to have in your stomach alive too! Try it today.
So I decided to sing to Benny - "Put your hand in my hand, and let me show you the way." After that he eased up a bit and let me get on with the job of saving us from certain death.
Now, just so you know, the sun was HOT that day. And I mean scorching HOT! At least a thousand degrees out in the sun. Hot enough to make a red-head or albino sizzle into a pile of ash in a microsecond. Trust me, I've seen it happen, and it's not even as funny as it sounds.
We needed to keep cool. The best way to keep cool is obviously to run around in the sun to avoid the strong piercing rays but I was already exhaused from watching Benny carry those heavy backpacks. Lucky for Benny, I knew the best way to make Desert Sunscreen. It's actually SPF 300+ would you believe! I went first - stripped off and lay on a large patch of dirt and sand. I instructed Benny to urinate all over me, and he kindly and happily obliged. I made sure I was soaked from top to bottom, front to back, and then rolled around in the dirt/sand to create a thick coating. Brilliant. And exfoliating. I told Benny to do the same but he refused and instead made some headwear from my shirt. That's fine, he obviously has a death wish and wants to cook his brain. I can't force him to take my expert advice.
I decided that I didn't need the rest of my clothes and instead made a flag out of them to alert the attention of our rescuers.
I hope you're taking notes people. This is all pure gold from the man in the know - Bazza Buttercup!
My new layer of sun protection worked perfectly, although a little stifling, but my skin didn't sizzle at all. Unfortunately the immense physical exertion required for such a trek like this eventually caused an unforseeable problem. My hardened layer of artificial skin held up for several miles until the buckets of sweat I had been producing disolved the glue-like urine based mud. It all fell off my naked body and left me standing there exposed to the elements. It must've been the wrong mixture of sand and dirt, or the wrong acidity of the urine.
I had to make a choice - either turn around and trek back to gather up my clothes, or push on towards the ocean. I was closer to the ocean so the sensible choice would've been to go get my clothes. But I bravely and courageously kept trekking. Benny kindly gave me back my shirt to cover my most important body parts - my groin (well I want to be able to give Sheila babies one day so can you blame me?)
Benny was kept quite amused with my antics for the rest of the journey. At one point he stood by and watched as I tumbled the entire length of a long rocky slope, with sharp cacti all along it. I could've broken every bone in my body for all he cared, but he just stood back and laughed his head off! Luckily I am a skilled acrobot too (yes that's right, I've done acrobotics) and I knew that in order to make sure I didn't break any limbs I had to land on my face. Yes I know, my beautiful face! But don't fear ladies, I used my oversized ears as cushioning. My stunning mug, with its perfectly structured cheekbones and luscious lips are still intact. Keep those numbers coming...
Oh back to the story...
We had done it - achieved the impossible. We finally made it to the beach! Another full day of trekking, the majority of it practically naked (besides a little body-mud), and we'd reached our destination.
I remember crashing through the last of the bushes and stumbling out onto the edge of the cliff, nearly tumbling to my death. I remember looking over at Benny to give him the satisfied nod of approval and he was too busy laughing because the shirt, which had been covering my bits was now blowing away out to sea. I frowned but then ran at him, tackled him to the ground and began a tickle fight in excitement of our achievement.
We had made it.
We were there.
Our journey was finally over and we'd be rescued. Or so we thought... Little did we know that our battle for survival had only just begun.
STAY TUNED: Bazza's Adventure continues when the two scalliwags realise help isn't coming and they must delve deep into the wonderous and magical mind of the survivalist extraordinaire himself.