Equipped To Survive!

Hi guys and gals, Bazza "Pansieboy" Buttercup here. Thanks for coming back. I'm currently sitting on the loo in my cave (it's just a tiny hole in the dirt - traditional bushman style). Lucky I can pick up the neighbour's WiFi to get this through!

Today I'll reveal to you the essential survival items that you need and that I always have with me no matter what. This is based on the "Rule of Four" - the four things humans NEED to survive:

1. Protection - this is two-pronged: Protection in the form of clothing to guard against the vile elements; and Protection in the form of improvised weaponry for those street battles against wild animals.
2. Liquid - yes, apparently without drinking water you'll turn to dust within 3-4 minutes. Or is it days?
3. Consumables - some call it food. But Emu faeces, although consumable and delectable, isn't actually classified as a food in modern society. Snobs. You'll find out about more tasty delights in my show, and I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
4. Entertainment - dying of boredom is no joke guys. It's worse than being mauled by a rabid kangaroo, and I should know.

So here's all the items that fit in with the "Rule of Four":

The Suit

People ask me why I wear a suit wherever I go. Silly question if you ask me but for those plebs who lack style here's a simple answer: It's not just a suit. It's the KEY to surviving in the wild. You can't tell me that you haven't been in a situation out bush or in a desert or lost at sea and wished you were wearing your finest threads. Who knows who you might bump into! On one hand, you might run into Jennfer Hawkins or Megan Fox, or Brad Pitt for the girls (all of whom have openly expressed their love for me), who have just parachuted in for a photo shoot in the middle of the Amazon Jungle. I'd die of embarassment if I were caught wearing something dorky or inappropriate. On the other hand, what would you do if you ran into a gypsy or tramp tribe and you were wearing hiking boots and cargo pants? How could you possibly convince them that you're just a city tourist who lost your way and aren't there to steal their tears?!

The Bottle

Bear Grylls was smart to remember this piece of wisdom from me. You only need one bottle though - to store your urine. There are of course numerous other sources of water, such as Koala saliva, and we'll get into that later, but urine happens to be the most useful and hydrating liquid known to man. I'll be doing another post on the amazing properties of urine, as well as in pretty much every episode of Bazza vs. Wild. It's wonderful stuff, urine, and so slimming for those of you wanting a sensational new diet.

The Attitude

One of the most important things to bring is the right attitude. You don't want to be grumpy or angry out there. The last thing you need is to get pissed off at the wildlife for taunting you, and calling you names and reminding you how bad you were as a girl scout and that the women chasing you aren't doing so because they like you... Sorry, where was I? Yes, I just want to set something straight - if you see me getting angry at all in my films, it's just to show you an example of what not to do. I DON'T have anger problems! I dare you to tell me I do. See what happens. Yeah I thought so.

The Flint

No Bear Grylls. You don't need a flint to light a fire. That's cheating, just like Maradona's Hand of God was cheating. I will show you several different ways to make fire that would stun even the most apt caveman. One example just to keep you excited would have to be the Fart Technique. Enough Force + Enough Methane = Human Flamethrower. Skeptical? Give it a try! But remember not to follow through.

The Whistle

You need to be able to wolf whistle in case you do run into Jen and Meg's (or Brad's) photo shoot (did I mention they all want me?).

The Training

Training includes being awesome at getting lost but even better at finding your way home. It means six years of gruelling yoga and Lost DVDs. It means developing the ability to recognise which animal's faeces are edible and which should just be used as sun-block.

Look, at the end of the day, if you're not as highly skilled as I am at surviving, then you really shouldn't be wandering more than two feet from your campsite. However, by the end of my series you should be able to conquer Everest naked and with only a can of baked beans.

The Conclusion

There you have it, now you can begin to become true champions of the wild like myself. Today I've just touched briefly on the vital subjects to get through those ghastly times. When I get back out there in the guts of the wild I'll be able to give you video proof of how each of these aspects is important. Don't forget any of this pure gold kids. I don't want to come across any of your corpses on my adventures. I've never been a fan of cannibalism - I'll leave that to the tramps.

Stay away from those tramps kids.

Sincerely,

Bazza.

P.S. Bear Grylls if you're reading this (you probably are to steal ideas) then sorry about your cat. I was showing a young fan my hunting skills. It went well with my stir-fry though.



NEXT ON BAZZA'S BLOG: Bazza will be preparing to trek off with the Bazza vs. Wild crew on his first adventure since his unfortunate liposuction incident.