YESSSSSSSSSSSS! WOOOHOOO!
Just had to let that out... I don't tend to keep things in as you may notice throughout the series. They say anger is the best medicine! My doc informs me that's why I'm so healthy. Of course I had to inform him that I'm not angry... The rest is a bit fuzzy. In the end, the court ordered me an extra six months anger management. I seriously don't understand why...
Anyway, I have no idea where they'll drop me but no doubt it'll be tough. They've checked my suit pockets and given me a cavity search to ensure I'm not sneaking anything in that I shouldn't. Everything I need is right here, in my mind.
So before I go I wanted to give you a few more pieces of advice. Pay attention. This is the stuff legends are made of.
Bazza's Workout:
It's important to stay in shape in order to survive out there, and to be able to fight those blood-sucking Wallabies. If you don't believe me, just wait and see how massive my biceps are - that'll make you wanna jump straight onto this workout program! So put down that cheeseburger fatty, turn off that TV and get ready for the drilling of a lifetime. (I was the Drill Sergeant at girl scouts so I know what I'm doing.)
Diet
First and foremost is your diet. There is no way you'll get a ripped body like mine by eating that take-away junk every single day. Although, I am partial to the occasional bacon and egg McMuffin especially after being rescued, um I mean after returning from a huge venture.
Exercise
Clearly your abs won't become like a washboard by slothing on the couch all day long. Sure you'll build up an impressive beer gut to rest your stubbie on but unless you can do the awesome Homer Simpson crushing-the-can trick then it's just unattractive. Getting up from that couch and moving those legs a bit more than just walking to the fridge for a block of cheese might shock your body a bit for sure. But waking up your heart is better than dying from a fart (I had a mate whose partner dutch-ovened him to death. It wasn't funny at the time).
Start off slow with a 10 mile run, no rest-breaks. I'll be doing another blog on the importance of hydrating yourself by recycling your own body's waste products but for now just use a mix of half animal's blood (fresh Giraffe blood is my fave), and half your own urine (or someone else's if you don't need to pee). Wait til you see me do this for real...
Okay, if you didn't suffer a myocardial infarction from that run, then turn around and run back.
NOW lardass! No rest for you.
Lastly I've just chucked in a few simple exercises to finish off:
- No less than 1000 pushups. If this is too easy (if you're as strong as me it'll be a breeze) then put something heavy on your back. I like to use the corpse of a cow.
- At least 2500 situps. You should be able to do this non-stop. I know this all sounds easy, but remember this is just your first workout. Pushing yourself too hard too early will cause instant death and injury.
- Finally, do as many pullups as you can until you pass out.
If you're still alive after all this, I'll be slightly impressed. If not, then obviously you got the blood-urine ration wrong.
Guys and girls, I'm just so pumped to be able to finally share my words of wisdom with you! It gives me so much joy (as you can tell from my profile pic).
But words can only say so much, whereas a picture tells at least 6 words. So I need to get on this plane, get tied up, gagged, blindfolded, and dropped from 20,000 feet somewhere feral where I can take this fantastic footage for you. I heard rumors that it could be the Amazon Jungle, The Sahara, Mount Everest, or even Elizabeth.
See you on the other side kids!
Your man,
Bazza Buttercup.
P.S. Bear Grylls, don't forget to bring snacks to the slumber party next weekend. And not your special brownies. Remember what happened last time?
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